Types Of Emotional Abuse

TYPES OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE- taken from http://www.eqi.org

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ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS

  • The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs
  • it could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with that person
  • But no matter how much you give, it is never enough
  • You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill this person’s needs

AGGRESSING

  • Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. the one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. this parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
  • Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and “helping”. Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. the underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. this and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.

CONSTANT CHAOS

  • The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others
  • The person may be “addicted to drams” since it creates excitement

DENYING

  • Denying a person’s emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliately
  • The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said, confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” etc. You know differently.
  • The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity
  • Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.”
  • When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
  • Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
  • Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to loose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind
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DOMINATING

  • Someone wants to control your every action. they have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it
  • When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

  • The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other “hot buttons” to get what they want
  • This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the “cold shoulder”, or using other fear tactics to control you

INVALIDATION

  • The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say “ou are too sensitive. That shouldn’t hurt you”.

MINIMIZING

  • Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. when minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as ” You’re too sensitive.” “You’re exaggerating”, or “you’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest the recipients emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted
  • Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is more subtle form of minimizing
UNPREDICTABLE RESPONSES
  • Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses
  • This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You must remain hyper vigilant, waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood.
  • An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance

VERBAL ASSAULTS

  • Berating, belittling, criticizing,name calling, screaming, threatening
  • excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation
  • Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth next…

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23 Responses to “Types Of Emotional Abuse”

  1. Luna Says:

    Hello

    I’m looking for websites about all abuses, women, children, nature… and so I came here on your page

    I’m also a survivor of abuse
    but one of the abuses is emotional abuse. That is something that no one can see while physical abuse everyone can see.
    So that’s a problem for all women because the law here in belgium have no articles for that because they want proofs (? arguments? in dutch Bewijzen)

    I’ve a question: Are you agree that I use your text above about emotional abuse on some of my website where I have found friends from all over the world?

    My english is not so good because my language is dutch but I try to write and to understand what people mean, so if I use abusely the wrong words please let me know it when you not understand what I mean.

    One” of my pages where I have maked a profile is a website where I found friends (I live alone and like it to can contact people on the internet and so building up my friendlist)

    I’m looking further now for sites like this here on the internet but from belgium.

    Thank you.

    Luna

  2. mountcope Says:

    Luna,

    Thanks for visiting my site.
    The above is from http://www.eqi.org as I stated above.
    Take care

    Mount Cope

  3. Luna Says:

    Thank you for the information Cope.
    Have a nice day.
    Bes regards

    Luna

  4. Brittany Says:

    I’ve been with my husband since I was 13 and he was 15. We got married when I turned 18. Things were always sweet and cute and we never had a problem. I made a mistake and had an affair at 20 and we worked it out but I thik we should’ve worked through it more but God works in mysterious ways and I got pregnant (my husband) and we had a little girl. He always had a bad temper stemming from a drug problem he had. he got addicted to his medication before we got married and we would have explosive arguements. He quit taking the medicine soon after we were married and the arguements calmed down. But about a year ago they went extremely violent and are more one sided. I really am not sure what to do because he wasn’t like this before. We did link a medication he wass on to violence and he quit taking it and things seem better but this was physical abuse for a good10 months or so. I want to work this out but not at the expense of my own or my daughter’s well being. I want to believe that it will never happen again, I wanted to the times it happened before. Knowing his families’ past history and knowing his I know this isn’t normal for him but it is all he saw growing up except it was more on the emotional side. He normally treats me pretty good, but it’s like he goes crazy and explodes and then afterwards sinks into a deep depression. I am totally lost. Before it got to the point where he physically harmed someone we tried to get help and they said he may have intermittent explosive disorder but what does that mean? What can we do? How can I get him help? What do I do to protect myself and my daughter? I love him and I don’t want to abandon him, but I also don’t want to enable him.

  5. Cori Says:

    I’m 18 years old, and my ex-boyfriend is almost 17. Throughout the last six months of our relationship, he has been emotionally abusing me in ways that I never thought a person could be capable of. When summer started, I got a job as a babysitter and he became extremely angry at me because I’d wear shorts to swim with the kids, and he started calling me a whore and a slut and saying how disgusting I was. So I stopped wearing shorts. I thought it would end with that. But then when nothing would go his way, he’d be back to calling me a whore, or threatening to end his life if I didn’t do what he wanted. I couldn’t go to the beach or the pool anymore, when we went on a trip with his family to a tropical area, I had to wear jeans and a tshirt everyday like him. It was the most controlling situation I’ve ever been in. Then when school started, I had an afterschool activity that I wouldn’t quit for him, so he started calling me a water whore, and he’d threaten to break up with me and he’d threaten to hurt himself if I didn’t do the things he asked of me. He made me share too much of my body with him, more than he deserved to see, and he made me cut myself. He told me that nobody liked me, that I was a waste, and should go kill myself. I was so in love with him, that he knew he could make me do whatever he wanted. I have 11 scars because of this. I know I shouldn’t have done it. But it was the only thing that kept him with me. We are broken up now, he finally ended things, but he still emotionally abuses me at times, taking his anger out on me when I’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t know if it will ever end. I know what being abused feels like. Sometimes, I wonder if emotional abuse is harder to deal with than the physical. I’d rather he hit me than say some of the things that he said to me over this past year.

  6. going_insane Says:

    emotional abuse is much more damaging because it erodes your self esteem and confidence, it’s a form of brainwash in which you start to believe what is being said to you may be true when they are not true. Please stop communicating with him. If he comes near you or threatens to harm himself, call 911, do not allow him to manipulate you by fear, obligation, and guilt. Please seek help or talk to your family about this. This should not continue…it only gets worse if you go back to him in the future. If you see him, run the other way.

  7. Eileen Says:

    I don’t even think that “which form of abuse is worse” is a legitimate question. Victims of abuse have been victimized & traumatized & are left to try to put themselves back together again. For those victims who were raised by parents who abused them in some manner, they have no ‘script’ for what a healthy relationship even looks or sounds like.

    The person suffering physical abuse is always a victim of emotional abuse: physical battery & hitting etc takes place within the context of the accompanying emotional abuse. As to which ‘is worse’ who knows? Much depends upon an individual’s physical, emotional, psychological & financial vulnerability. An victim who is trapped & cannot leave for whatever reason is in the worst predicament. Often times, a person can dump a boyfriend. A financially independent woman with an abusive ‘living with’ boyfriend can up & leave-esp if she doesn’t have any children with the guy. Abuse is grounds for breaking a lease. Think now of the woman who is married to an abuser. If she has small children & he is their father, if he is the one with the income & the car & she is a ‘stay at home’ mother, she is in a very dangerous predicament & may even be trapped! Some woman in this position gather up the courage to flee to a shelter with their children but the repercussions of this can often be worse than having remained with the guy! This is esp true if that abuse isn’t physical because she will have absolutely nothing in the way of evidence & look like a kook for traumatizing 3 kids over some yelling, arguing & name-calling.

    Some married (or those living common law) with an abusive man have a family member they can grab the kids & flee to. This is much better than a shelter-if the option exists. If she has a driver’s license, then so much the better! One day, while the abuser is at work, she can rent a Uhaul, pack a bunch of her essentials & valuables & run.

    Abusers are good at selecting which ways in which to victimize which woman. They seem to have a radar for what form of maltreatment would most severely impact her. they also seem to know what they can get away with. My abusive husband knows that, in this country, if he hits me, the police will arrest him if I call 911. He knows I’d do it too. The kind of abuse he heaps onto me is such that I’d seem like a nut complaining about nothing if I were to call the police. I AM getting help, though & I have appointments this week with people who understand & can inform me of my rights, what course of action to take & what to do next. I’m taking back my life: I’m taking back ME. No matter what new turmoil this unleashes, it can’t possibly be worse than remaining as I am. I hope each & every one of you reaches out for help & support too. Call a 1-800 hotline for abuse victims. It doesn’t matter which kind of abuse it is or what this or that person thinks ‘is real abuse’ or thinks ‘is worse’. YOU know you’re being abused. That is what matters. Get help! As much of it as you possibly can.

  8. Sarah Says:

    I have suffered very subtle phychological and spiritual abuse my whole life. When I was a child from as young as I can remember I wished that my parents would get divorced as a single person is easier to handle than a team. The abuse came with constant statements like:
    “Don’t think like that.”
    “Don’t be so sensitive.”
    “You must change the way you think.”
    “You are a child, what do you have to be stressed about? Just wait until you are an adult then you will know what stress is.”
    “Don’t feel so angry/sad/frustrated. You have nothing to be angry/sad/frustrated about.”
    “But I just do/say that because I love you.”
    “Im not trying to control you, I just want what is best for you and I know what is best.”
    “I know you better that you know yourself.”
    Response to my answers of questions if they were lucky to get an anwer out of me at all (They would ask me how I am and I would answer I am fine and then the probing would begin)
    “Are you sure?
    “How are you feeling … really.”
    Constant questioning
    “Why do you think that?
    “Everyone thinks this why don’t you?”
    “Everybody likes to do this why don’t you or you will like it if you try”
    “but I want to talk to you, why won’t you talk to me?”
    “Why do you never do what I want you to do. I’ll do anything for you.”

    As I said at the beginning this is very subtle and a lot of people will probably think that I am just a spoiled brat lucky to have such caring (I call it smothering) parents.

  9. autism custody battles Says:

    Men who threaten to take away the kids are engaging in post separation violence. It is common for batterers to threaten to take children away from the battered woman by proving her to be an unfit mother. For this reason, some lawyers advise women not to tell courts or mediators about child abuse or domestic abuse because, by doing so, they risk losing custody to the alleged abuser!

  10. an Says:

    hi, looking for picture sad. and i found your site. now i’m suffering for a big problem. im married for ten years, and now we are in big trouble, my husband have an affair and has a child and he name in junior. we have four kids, and he work in vessel, can you help me what to do?

  11. stephanie Says:

    Hi iv been recieving suttle mentle abuse and I cant escape it, iv got a mental health problem and severley messed up and he wont leave me alone, I wish my partner was dead, god please grant me that wish, I cant speak to no one, my advice is to get out asap. I will eventually take my own life, thanks for letting me leave a reply.

    • arielsantrini Says:

      There is always a way out, you must not sabotage your life for anyone. Pray that you find the perfect opportunity to escape, and have faith you will be alright.

      Refuse to take his calls and if necessary, get a restraining order.

      Take care

      Ariel

  12. Abby Says:

    Earlier this morning, I told him that it was over. I had been planning this for nearly a month of our 3 month relationship, and I tried to leave him during our second week together. It’s so frustrating that I have had to uproot my life to escape him, and still do not even have all of my belongings.
    I was emotionally abused and controlled by him. I had no support system, and I suppose I was the perfect victim. The person closest to me is my brother, and he immediately had it out for him. I actually bought into it, and agreed to sever communication with my brother (if he did so with his toxic mom), and he added me to his cell phone plan. Within two days, it got worse. He resumed communication with his mom, attributing it to her being his “Mom” and that he cannot ignore her. I had a plan to leave (despite being unemployed and temporarily disabled) and then he broke his lease to move into the apartment next to me. I told him not to move in, and he took me out to buy wedding rings and stated that I was his. Within three days, he got worse and left me lay after a medical emergency. He told me he lost feeling for me, and refused to comfort me. He later said that he never lost feeling, but said it because I made him mad. The next day, I made concrete plans to leave him. It escalated to the point where my animals began hating him, and I had to tell him what I was going to do prior to going to the bathroom. He accused me of lying after I emerged, stating that I did something different in the bathroom. My brother came in town, and I pretended like things were fine. We finalized moving plans and moved things out on one day that he did not call in. He drove by the apartments (which police can do nothing about because he is now a resident) and all hell broke loose when he saw us loading the truck. I told him it was over, and he said that he thought things were fine.
    I am resentful of all of the expenses I have incurred, as well as the lack of support from authorities. The police cannot do anything with the threatening text messages from him, because they said that the threats were only implied and not specific enough, and the threats were done on the phone that was part of the guy’s cell phone plan, and he can say whatever he wants. I am in fear over what his family will do or say, as he has boasted of their power. I cannot get the police to stand by to get the rest of my stuff out. I cannot get a restraining order, because it is all emotional abuse that I was too afraid to report, especially knowing that nothing would be done and he would still remain my neighbor. I do feel bad for him, because I don’t go around shocking men like that with break ups. I wanted to end it nicely, but realized there is no way. I think that any logical person would know that something must have really been done for me to go to theses extremes to escape safely. I know that his highschool girlfriend planned fo weeks to get rid of him, and stayed with him two weeks after she decided to leave. I’m sure she feared her safety also.

  13. Elmarie Steenekamp Says:

    I am so confused. He said to me if I loved him and respect him I will loose weight for him. A beautiful woman who looks after herself shows how much she respects her partner. He will remind me constantly that men always looks at a thin woman and then the personality. He is good and kind but make sure that I know he has standards and is not shallow and there is nothing wrong with having standards. I am battling to loose weight and feel so ugly and worthless when he is around. Am I wrong? He does not understand that his comments is dragging me down. He sees it as encouragement. He can’t see that I resent him because of his remaks. Is this verbal abuse?

  14. Guest Says:

    Hi,
    Reading this really opened my eyes. I’m 22 and my boyfriend has been constantly berating me and fighting with me for the past 2 months. He tells me I don’t put enough effort into our relationship-which I do. He thinks he’s the only one with stress. He criticizes me when I try and start a normal conversation by saying I don’t know how to talk to people. He upsets me when my family is out, making me feel horrible. He’s accused me of wanting to date other men, which never happened. When we fight, he blames me for starting the fights, which usually isn’t the case. I even went on a birth control pill to satisfy him, but had to come off because of the side effects. Does this qualify as abuse? I don’t know how much more of it I can take if it’s not. Thanks.

  15. Guest77 Says:

    Is there such a thing as emotional abuse from neighbors? I keep getting called the B word, slut, hoe, fat chick, etc by my neighbors son and his friends. I also get mean looks. I’m nervous to sit on my own front porch. Her son used to be in the Bloods. The other night I heard him tell one of his friends ” One gun one bullet”. He also called me a fat B on facebook. (I have it saved on my computer). Is there anything I can do?

    • arielsantrini Says:

      Hi guest77,

      Maybe you should learn to conquer your fears and not show any emotions when they bully. Instead Maybe just say matter of factly:”stop with that I dont appreciate it”. They want you to either crack or fight, but if you act calm without hiding. It will throw them. If they call you a “B****”. Tell them they are entitled to their opinion but they are not to do it again. Then walk off.

      P.S. I hope you will be OK and the problem is resolved. That’s harsh.

      Take care

      Ariel

  16. arielsantrini Says:

    Hi there,

    Any advice on what an abusive person can do to change his behaviour if no-one stands up to him? If he knows he is doing wrong but can’t help himself? Can he reform of his own accord. It must be a difficult habit to break if you are constantly being enabled.

    Many thanks

    Ariel

    • Baldeep Kaur Says:

      A person needs psychological help to break behavioral patterns such as this. Enabling such behavior is like adding fuel to fire. It will only harm everybody including the abuser. Some one has to tell him to stop.

      You can help him only when he is ready to take help. In the meantime, discourage his behavior as mush as you can. Tell him that it is not okay to emotionally abuse someone.

      Lots of love and strength to you.

  17. 123 Says:

    hi, i am looking for a little bit of advice, i have been with my partner for over a year, i am six months pregnant and have a one year old son from a previous relationship. We were hppier than ever before i got pregnant, but for the last 4-5months he does nothing but emotionally abuse me. Causing upset and stress almost everyday, He lives with me and will not leave my house no matter how upset or demanding i am. every morning i hear the same things;
    .. fat
    .. unfit mother
    .. lazy
    .. self centered

    I have been trying too get out of this relationship since this abuse started but finding it very hard. I feel like there is no way out and this is the way i have to live. He would not harm my children or me in a physical way. but i am worried that if my babies hear the things he calls me it would mentally scar them.

    Can anybody share any advice that can help please?

    • Baldeep Kaur Says:

      Hi,

      Emotional abuse is not okay. It has the power to be more damaging than physical abuse. You deserve a happy and a fulfilling relationship that has respect, affection and love. I do not know much about your life but you should not continue in this relationship.

      This is not a good situation for your kids. After my dad’s death, my life changed drastically and I was emotionally abused by people who were supposed to take care of me. It took me years to get out of it. Thankfully, i had the right support system outside my home to help me get out of it.

      It is always difficult to do the right thing but trust me you have the courage and the strength within you to handle anything.

      If you feel like, you can write to me at k.baldeep@yahoo.com.

      Lots of love to you!

      please read this. there are few useful help links for you.
      http://inspiringevolution.wordpress.com/2013/05/21/emotional-abuse-is-not-okay/

  18. Lucielle Says:

    So sorry that you went through all this.

  19. Felicia Says:

    we met 10 years ago and now have a sort of relationship of convenience and co-parent as we share a 7 year old daughter. The relationship was never exactly healthy but maybe I was in love with the idea of love. No matter how much I did for him, how many times I would answer my phone in class (in college) to prove I was where I was, made sure dinner was made, things were done at the house, no matter what, he always treated me as if I were some whorish person incapable of being honest and loyal, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I became paranoid if another male talked to me because I didn’t want him to think that something was going on when it wasn’t. This was problematic because I had a work-study job as a tutor through college. I didn’t wear make-up because he would make comments that suggested that I was out looking for attention or trying to impress someone. If we had to go somewhere together, he made me feel like he was embarrassed to even be around me, let alone have a kid together. I tried so hard to please/accommodate his needs/feelings. After a certain point, I had enough and when he packed his stuff to leave, I didn’t argue and let him go. We started getting along better but we were by no means in a relationship. I began keeping in touch with a friend of mine from well before we had met. This friend came into town, we hung out with a group of people, and he came home with me. We’d been friends for over 15 years, so I didn’t think too much of it at the time. Well we were intimate and my daughter woke up to see him there, and was distraught about it. She’d seen her father with other women but it was a total shock for me to even entertain the thought of me being with anyone else other than her father, let alone wake up to see another person in our house (its just my daughter and I living together). Anyway her father eventually found out and to him… I’m not only a horrible liar but a horrible mother, woman and basically whore. My friend of over 15 years… not some stranger, and I’d never been intimate with anyone else for our entire on/off again relationship. My daughter’s father moved in with another woman for a while, and still continued to treat me as a toy he could pick up, play with when he wanted then toss around emotionally, and yes he had my daughter there too (unbeknownst to me). That entire incident was well over a year ago and he to this day berates me for it. I pay all of the bills (no assistance at all), pay for our daughter’s expenses, after school program, summer camp, and occasionally he will help but its usually not much. It would be better/easier for my daughter if we got along but honestly I cannot take too much more of this emotional hurricane he puts me through just because I made a poor judgment call once with someone I’ve known for years while he does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I just want to be able to deal with the stress and turmoil in a healthy way before it just consumes me as I don’t want to be mean and bitter.


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